Thursday Thoughts - On a Friday;)

It is nearly one year ago that my world was ripped apart - devastated.

My best friend for the last 19 years was gone.

A big hole was left in the boys and my lives.

I was left to pick myself and the boys up and carry on.

Words cannot describe the shear pain and hopelessness of that loss.

I have heard time and time again over the last year how strong or brave I have been.

Up and down, up and down, repeat.
The road is still going on - but I suppose it is getting easier or at least rolling along.

It has been, and continues to be tough. Day in, day out, missing him.

The intial shock has worn off, the paperwork complete, the gravestone in place and now what?

Grief, processing, defining who I am - figuring out how I am meant to live the rest of my life. The purpose - meaning of it all.

I am no longer:
 -the 22 year old student who met the charming Norwegian
-the care free 27 year old who moved to Norway for love
-someones 'go to' person
-half of a couple - technically no longer married.

(FYI which box to tick? - single, married, divorced? Why do divorced people get to choose to acknowledge their failed marriage on a form and I don't get to acknowledge my great but cut short marriage. Very rarely a widow option! Little rant over)

 I still am:
 -a mother to 2 amazing boys
-a daughter and daughter in law
-a sister and sister in law
-an aunt
-a friend
-a teacher
-alive;)

I was never only defined as 'being married to Stig' - however, being married to him contributed to the person I became.
He was my 'go to' person, we discussed everything, made decisions together, supported each other. I now have to figure out where I go next - who I am.

One of the hardest parts is not having that person to share the small things with. The everyday. The silly comments the boys make. Celebrating a new milestone. Boring daily lifes trivia.

Words cannot describe how much change has happened in the last 12 months. Although I am the same person deep down, I am also a totally different person to who I was a year ago.

What I am grateful for is that I have consistently chosen to be positive, count my blessings, see the light at the end of the tunnel. Even in the really dark days, I always found something to be thankful for.

For 19 years I got to share my life with an amazing man who loved me as much as I loved him. Together we had two amazing healthy, smart, beautiful boys.
We created so many wonderful memories.
Nothing changes that.

I am just sad it all had to end too soon.
xxx