Thursday Thoughts - My Boys

My children....

Love them fiercely....

I was a mama bear before the summer - who knew that could be multiplied by 100.

Problem is, when they hurt or are sad it affects me hard. I admit I may be more hypersenitive these days.

They have had so much pain dealing with Stig's loss, anything else just compounds it.

I know children are resilient, but they are also very vunerable.

Tae, he has his ways which are quite subtle when he expresses himself.

 He talks daily about his pappa. Usually he will say things like 'We love pappa don't we mummy?, he died, we miss him, but he had to go away, he didn't want to, but his heart broke.' or ' I miss pappa mummy'. 

He usually just says these things randomly. I let him know I loved and miss pappa too and we carry on with whatever we were doing.

 He aso keeps repeating 'its OK mummy, its OK - it doesn't matter' for all types of things, for example, if he or anyone else spills something or makes a mistake. It's almost like he want to soothe or apologise before it's a problem. Which it totally is not.

He spoke to me the other day about Tim. He was worried if something would happen to him. He seems safe that I'll be Ok, but really worried that something could happend to his brother.

Tae asks to visit pappa's special place (his grave) weekly. I take him and we either light a candle or leave flowers. He really enjoys being there and skips along. He always shouts 'Hadet pappa, elsker deg' (goodbye daddy, I love you) up to the sky as his hops along on the way out. Tim finds it too hard to visit there at the moment, so I usually take Tae on his own.

Tim, is doing his best to figure out what his life is going to look like without his hero in it. Tough for anyone, never mind a 12 year old boy. He is trying to get by day to day. He has struggled a great deal. He is very open to talking with me and we talk alot! 

His main worry for a long time was surrounding would happen to Tae and him if anything happend to me. He had the initial emergency -  ambulance phone call covered (yes, he had run all senarios through his head and figured out what to do:( but was very anxious in the event of my death.

I have assured him that he is loved by many and that their is a solid plan in place. We have gone through that plan in detail and he knows everyone involved knows the details. However, we are not allowed to write it down - to him that is tempting fate.

So, it is a juggling act at the moment. Creating a sense of normality in our new situation and allowing everyone to grieve and express themselves in their own way.

It is exhausting, but they are my number one priority.