Ok, I have decided that I need a place to record how the boys and I am doing, how we are actually finding our new normal.
I want to record our process and progress and keep it real.
Right now I am not sure how we are progressing, but, when I reflect back even two months, I can see changes - some good, some erm ..not ;)
I have decided to record the odds, ends and completely random aspects of our new life. Not just photos of the boys and activities, but how we are managing and more important, feeling. I will put jottings, thoughts and feeling down and post on a Thursday when I need to (this lady needs structure).
I think this stems from having a few tough weeks. At times I have had to really push myself to keep going.
It is really hard to explain the feeling of lying in bed and willing yourself to get up and start a new day. I have to just take one task at a time. I mentally make lists. Get yourself up and dressed, get Tae ready, sort out Tim, leave the house, get to work and go!
Usually by Tae's drop off, I'm out of the rut, maybe it is because I miss the shared responsibilty of our morning routines or just dreading going through the process of a new day, I am not sure.
The last few days I have been very aware I am going through the motions of life. Ticking the boxes. Doing what needs to be done. I also know I am not really 'living'. I honestly cannot remember what it was like before the summer, simply to just feel free, relaxed and happy.
But, for now that is OK - it is survival. I know it will get easier. Well, I bloody hope it does!
Don't get me wrong, to most people I am doing GREAT. The house is tidy, children wear clean clothes each day, I look fine! I go to work and do my job, the kids are fed (I even remembered the hot drink flask option for Tae's daycare trip this week!!)....... on and on, but, it still sucks - BIG time. I miss the simple things like coming home and sharing my day with someone who gets it. Going together to buy food. Deciding what to buy the boys for Christmas. I miss HIM.
I am not mopping around being miserable. Yes, I am sad (maybe devastated is a better word) and there are lots of tears. I miss my husband and best friend more than any words could come close to describing, but I have made a decision to choose to live.
I choose to try to be happy. I do not want my children to look back on their childhood and say their mum never got over loosing their dad. I know I never will, but they need to see hope and happiness and as their mother it is my job to provided that!
(Tae's constant giggles on the sofa next to me watching Mr Bean on the IPad really helps too;)
That is the thing. In this ridiculous, unwanted, ugly situation I have found myself in, I still have choices;
I can choose to be positive or be negative,
I can choose to be proactive or reactive.
I can choose to celebrate 20 amazing years of being loved or complain about the 40 years alone.
I am alive and I can make choices. Stig cannot. Therefore I need to live my life for the both of us.
I expect most of what I am writing is just my mixed up ramblings, trying to make sense of something that has no sense! But, I need a place record it all so that hopefully I can look back in months and years and see how far I have come.
One day, in the distant future I hope I can write that I am truely happy again. Until that time I'll be relying on my best skills - faking it until I make it!!