Life has been busy - but at the same time it has been moving slowly on.
I have been rolling along, both up and down depending on the day, week or month.
In February I noticed a change. I cannot describe exactly what is was, but there was one. It may have been the lighter evenings (or end to constant darkness) or that fact I started sleeping more than 4 hours a night.
It could have been triggered by a bit of a dip that I had at the beginning of Febuary. I realised I was tearful the whole time again and felt quite anxious. I also realised I had not been eating too well. Stepping on the scale brought me up sharp. I'd lost another 3 kilos without realising it. Technically not a huge issue, but I have already lost 9 kilos since last summer.
So I started making an effort with food and my 3 kilos have come back. I feel so much better for it.
I am able to be more reflective.
The fog is lifting somewhat. I now realise that the first 8 months my mind and body were numb. On total auto pilot. I think by this slowly wearing off I am now looking at the bigger picture and able to analyse my thinking and emotions more.
One area of life that I have had to come to terms with (a work in progress) is taking over the things around the house that Stig did previously.
This is where my insight and fog lifting comes in....
The main part is all the paperwork, bills, calling when the internet is not working and keep calling until it is fixed, changing telephone subscription, generally, dealing with the whole technology blahblah that we apparently need in our daily lives. Plus the simple fixing things around the house!
I now understand why I hate doing it all - it is not as straightforward as I initially put it down to.
Obviously, it is hard work taking on more responsibility and the phyical time it takes to do things. There is also the fact that I miss Stig being here, doing it and making everything run along smoothly (ish).
The revalation I had was this...
I NEVER liked doing this stuff in the first place!! That is why Stig did it. Divide and conquer - work with your strengths. That is how our house ran.
I did what I liked and was good at and Stig did the same - the rest we did together or papers, scissors stoned it;)
So, it is no surprise that all the math, technology and things that need a drill made me anxious.
Not only am I learning a new skill set, it is also all the areas I am either rubbish at or do not like. Plus, my main cheer leader who patiently walked me through these things previously (which I paid very little attention too) has gone.
Luckily I have great people around me who I can call upon for help. I am still working on my ability to ask for help (who knew that could be sooo hard) but I am getting a little better at this.